This was on my mind today.

I’ve already stated growing is a on-going process, you learn a lot about yourself; funny , as I really think about it, you truly learn so much about those around you too, but I must digress, that’s a whole other entry let me tell ya. Once you’ve allowed the heart, mind connect to accept the beauty of self-love, as you sit in that space, entertain and process the feelings and emotions of it all; let it resonate into your entire being, until it becomes truth as one with your spirit. The you- you once knew becomes a clearer version of the un-handled heart you. There will be so many emotions, elements, instances, mostly negative ( some people need to put a name to it , to make sense of whats happening, so they tend to liken it to being under attack by the devil.) if this helps you process negative emotions, fine. Myself ; I believe when you are trying to better yourself, it’s a process you need to go through, and as always it is easier to fall back into the familiar( the negative habit, thoughts behaviors e.t.c.) but if you persist you can prevail. Some of the ( i’ll call them “our best tour guides to life” or for short “BTGTL” ) are what hinders us from making forward moving progress, they keep us held captive. So today i’m going to talk about ,what for myself was the longest,hardest, of the BTGTL’s ; and it was forgiveness… not so much for others, but for myself. ( side note the reason I decided to have a blog on my reiki business website, is because I do what I feel led to, and all of this led me to my path of reiki; do I wish i’d found Reiki a lot sooner, YES!!! but like so many I travelled the path with the most resistance. Also I blog because looking back I discovered, if i’d started this entire process by learning to love myself first, it would’ve been so much easier.) Alright here’s my truth on forgiveness. When you don’t place any value in yourself; because you know YOU; the good , the bad, the really bad, the things you swore you’d take to the grave; my story was living a double life, so to speak, I was a wife, mother of 5, and an addict; NO-ONE knew , I was able to hide an entire life from my spouse and children, carefully crafted so that the two lives would not intertwine. This went on for years with me feeling as if i’d mastered some sort of perfect world, in my eyes I was not an addict ; I didn’t look like one, my family wanted for nothing, my kids all had good grades, one was headed to college, my middle son played football, and baseball, my only daughter singles tennis, I kept my make-up on every hair in place, dressed to the nine; I had a trusted friend who i’d started on the drug, to be honest, for my financial convience, not my finest moment ,in retrospect, I did not very often go in the presence of the actual dealers, safety risk,I was not willing to take, I had a middle man do pick-up and drop offs, I couldn’t afford being brought down in some sort of raid.  To make a very long story short, everything was fine until it wasn’t. I don’t know what the chain of events were, I remember a moment where I knew I was an addict…  I sat in that thought, and I did not like how it felt. Now i’d love to be able to tell you that I rushed right in to my husband and confessed, but that didn’t happen, why? because it is easier to do whats familiar, then to do whats right; so I kept using until one night I broke my own code, used in my home, in my bedroom, and fell asleep without putting away the evidence, and I was awaken to the pain in the screaming voices of two of my children, who’d found me and my dirty secret, I was cold busted. Not only busted , but they were on to me for a bit, just had no proof, as my then 14 year old daughter yelled at me, with her 12 year old brother backing her up by repeating her exact words right after she’d delivered them; enforcing the fact that I was not talking my way out of this. It was time to face the music. I was literally staring my worse fear in the face; that fear was my children never seeing me the same way again, their perception of me marred and tore to shreds. I was in a total state of shock, my daughter informed me they’d suspected I was on a drug, so they took to the internet and typed in my behaviors and mannerisms, (that I had not a clue i’d been giving ) and out popped a few drugs ,one ofcourse was the one I was on, and now they had proof. I stood there as my house erupted into chaos and fist to cuffs, between all of my children and their to friends that were staying over. I managed somehow to pull it together enough to break up the fights as my first born son, so enraged with sheer hurt, that he just cried a cry I will never forget, a cry that I caused and didn’t know how to begin to make better.He told me not to touch him, he needed to get out of there, and I let him. I apologized to my kids friends who still wanted to stay ( we were the fun house, the fun family, we’d buy 30 cans of silly string and wait for all the kids and their friends to be gathered in the house , hide 20 cans around so they’d have to find them if they wanted to retaliate, and my husband and I would go in and just blast them) they’d been friends for years and we’d seen each others families dysfunction, but I told them not this time, I know its late but I really need to get you guys safely home , and explain tonight to your parents. That is just what I did. Then I sat in my suv and placed a call to my husband telling him he needed to come home, because I have broken everything… In my process of getting better there were relapse , that is the road to recovery. Five years had past clean and I couldn’t understand how my husband and children and friends could simply forgive me; it truly boggled my mind, for the fact that I could not forgive myself, it took me 3 more years to learn something so very simple. We are our worse critics, judges, condemners; forgiveness is freedom, freeing yourself from your past, you’re not your past, and once we learn that the past has happened and there’s no do overs, we can not change it, forgive yourself release it let it go. What we do not realize that’s happening when we don’t forgive ourselves is we’re utilizing our precious present moments fretting over things that we aren’t capable of undoing, so release yourself from whatever you  feel may be unforgivable and just know you’re worth it, you can’t change it, don’t let it continue to hold your present hostage. If this helps one person ,i’m glad I shared my truth.  please comment back ,i’d love to hear your thoughts. Veshon Chalmers Losey  #love&lightunite

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